Sea of Doubt

I’m staring at my phone just off to the side right now as I type this. The number to the doctor’s office is pulled up and I would honestly rather do anything else in the world than hit the call button.

It’s back. The numbness in my arms, the slowing of speech, the muscle spasms, the slow mornings, and the overwhelming  fear of what this could mean for my family.

The past few months have been relatively smooth health-wise, with a few minor bumps in the road, however the last two weeks have seen an increasing amount of symptoms and overall not-fun-things.

If I’m honest I feel like a disciple on the boat during a crazy storm while Jesus is fast asleep. Screaming at him to do something, all the while the boat is being rocked and waves and buckets of water splash on the deck, showing signs of impending doom.

Questions, doubts, concerns all swirling around in my head.  I don’t want doused in self-pity or sympathy, I just want to be honest with where I am and be met there.

The truth of the matter is that healing never looks like I think it will, just as following Jesus around never looked the way the disciples thought it would.

It’s in the moments of doubt and pain that Jesus meets me in the most peculiar ways, speaks to the storms, and reminds me not to fear. He is in control and wants good for me. Always. Even when I can’t see it through the storm.

maxresdefaultThis week, no matter what life is throwing your way, may you be reminded that he is in it with you and will not let the waves consume you.

“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the holy spirit you may abound in hope.” Romans 15:13


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